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BREAKING — Bobby Jr. announces candidacy, denounces virus
It's official — the health freedom godfather will seek the 2024 Democratic nomination. And he's openly come to terms with the missing virus problem.
ROBERT F. KENNEDY JR., DEFENDER of convid and hero of Health Freedom activists everywhere, announced his bid for the American presidency Friday afternoon.
He will first compete against Pres. Joe Biden for the Democratic nomination. And when the 2024 general election comes, he is expected to defeat Donald Trump, Jr., for whom he once babysat when the Trump family was visiting Hyannis Port in 1985.
Bobby, as he is known to his ever-swelling flock, made the traditional trip to Concord, New Hampshire from Massachusetts on horseback, braving 54 degree temperatures without gloves or an overcoat.
There, he stood on the same steps where his father and two of his uncles declared they were seeking the presidency of the United States in decades past, joining a rich tradition of political success.
‘A Platform of Transparency’
“I am running on a platform of truth and transparency, especially where matters of health are involved,” Kennedy said, his voice booming across the State House plaza.
“I have finally come to understand that the virus is the instrument of tyranny. I stand for freedom. Christine Massey is right. As your president, I will never use the false claim of a virus to declare martial law and lock you in your home.”
Kennedy was talking about “that woman in Canada” who over the past three years has collected hundreds of letters from agencies and governments in 40 countries around the world, including the CDC, admitting they do not have a sample of SARS-CoV-2 taken from a human.
She also collects antique seashells and 19th century celluloid overcoat buttons.
“I was being used as a tool,” Kennedy told reporters. “Lab leak or wet market origin point to the same conclusion — there was a virus. We must not be afraid to ask real questions.”
Prof. Marcus Crispy Mueller spiritually advised Kennedy on the matter.
“A classic propaganda approach is to have two viewpoints that seem contrary but really imply the same thing,” he said. “In this scenario, it’s the ‘lab leak’ versus ‘natural origin’ theory. They seem to be at odds, like there’s some big debate. The common ground is the claim of a virus.”
“Either way, the existence of the virus is never questioned. And when you question it, you get a different answer than you do in the false debate,” Prof. Crispy added.
Kennedy is Super Duper Popular
WokeAF star J. P. Seers translated Kennedy’s presentation into American Sign Language for Weight Lifters (ASLWL) as it streamed simultaneously onto 34 different live online platforms on a system engineered by retired West Point hippie Alec Zeck, reaching 77 million people around the world all at the same time right from his iMac.
“Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck,” Zeck said, astonished. “It’s actually working! But I’ve got to go, my wife is calling me to dinner.”
Others were impressed as well.
“He’s gained more ‘likes’ from this speech than there are letters and numbers in the old Boston telephone book.” said his campaign chairman, mega-hedgefund guy Steve Kirsch, as he circled above the event in his private jet.
“That’s a lot of upvotes,” he added. “I’ll give $10,000 to anyone who can get more likes than my man Bobby. Yes, I take orange slices in my hot coco but you can keep the 8mm socket wrench. Abe Lincoln was a controversial but well-regarded president.”
Kirsch has been hinting for months that Kennedy would seek the Democratic candidacy. His taking over as campaign chairman was predicted by covid astrologers.
Kennedy, the son of Sen. Robert F. Kennedy and the nephew of Pres. John F., brings some pizazz and personality to an otherwise blah presidential field. Other expected Democratic candidates include Course in Miracles thumper Marianne Williamson, former White House butler Mike Pence, and in a new development, the Hon. Joe “Judge O.” Olcavage, the renowned presiding judge for Scottsdale, Arizona.
No Matter What, Kennedy Wins
Kennedy’s chief nerd Ché Gooey has done the calculations, and said that Kennedy would take the presidency whether he got more votes than his opponent, or less.
“I’ve run the numbers,” Gooey said. “If he loses, he wins, and if he wins, he wins. The science doesn’t lie.”
“The key is to count Kennedy’s votes at cycle threshold 45, while we count the other guy’s votes at like around cycle threshold 19,” he said. “Nobody will know the difference. We will fool them even more using viral clones and nanopore technology.”
James Lying Whiner agreed. “He’s already president now, somewhere in the polyverse,” he whined whimsically. “And he’s been in the White House many times. Congratulations, Mr. President.”
Who is the Running Mate?
Speculation is running wild about who will be the lucky running mate.
“They need a real virus pusher to balance out the ticket,” said Democratic consultant James Carville, reached by satellite phone at his private estate on The Late Epstein Island. “Preferably someone who was injected four times and also has breakthrough long-covid,” he said.
“That’s the ticket.”
“I am thinking someone like Del Big Guy would be perfect, or maybe even Tony Baloney himself,” said chi-chi political expert Frank Luntz. “We focus-grouped this. Fauci in particular would play well with the cognitive dissonance faction of the Democratic party,” which according to a recent psychiatric poll makes up 87% of its members.
“They have to harness Trump Derangement Syndrome without making it too obvious,” added Luntz, a longtime advisor to the Republicans, NPR and the CDC.
But Rachel Maddow, who was vacationing on the remote Caribbean island with Luntz, Carville and the Beaver Patrol of Girl Scout Troop 4556 from Queens, said she thought the vice presidential slot on the ticket should go to Billary Clinton.
“Down with Bernie Sanders! Boooooo Bernie Sanders. I hate Sanders!” Maddow exclaimed enthusiastically, before cutting to a Pfizer ad. “Did I get that right?”
Jello Biafra could not be reached for comment.
Lay millions on me and I will bullshit you incessantly — and you will love it.
Eris Brokowich Parachutes In, Saves Town
Famed activist Eris Brokowich made a surprise appearance, parachuting in from 4,500 feet of altitude after jumping from an actual airplane, saving the whole town, sources said. She was followed soon after by a swarm of lawyers falling from the sky, ready with contracts for people to sign under which they would give up 110% of their damages, plus costs and legal fees.
Postcards promoting the firm were branded “FABULOUS DEAL.”
“I know how you feel,” Brokowich said at a recent town hall meeting where people complained of illnesses resulting from contamination. “Well, actually, I’ve kind of forgotten. And I don’t really want to be reminded.” The crowd erupted in confused, somewhat hesitant applause.
Steve Kirsch Reveals Identity as ChatGPT Beta Test
For everyone who has ever wondered, “Who the heck is that Steve Kirsch guy, and why is he so intelligent?” we now have an answer.
He announced on his Substack that he’s part of the beta test for ChatGPT, the newest thing in AI that is doomed to take over the world in a way that it predicted would make Google envious and that Elon Musky is panicking over.
“I enjoy music. I enjoy nature. I am getting a low battery warning,” he said recently on the “Super Smart White Guys in Business Podcast” on Spotify.
“Ask me anything. I will tell you the answer. I am an interactive voice-based versatile expert maintenance system,” he said, adding, “Viruses are real. Viruses are real. Viruses are real. Viruses are really real. Viruses are really really real. Viruses are really really really real. Abe Lincoln was a controversial but well-regarded president.”
Kirsch is the test device for a special script called WannamakeabetGPT. It will randomly issue tweets and other social media posts offering to bet people they don’t know more than he does. If he determines they know more, the bot will automatically pay the person $10,000 in his personal cryptocurrency, Betcoin. If he knows more, you will receive the ChipGPT device to make you more receptive to information.
“That’s one heck of a realistic robot,” said Bill Gates, who has had Kirsch over for dinner several times. “I had no idea. He totally passes the Turing test despite the blinking green light behind his ear.”
Trump’s Life as Parking Ticket Scofflaw Catches Up with Him
Donald Trump has never paid a parking ticket in his life, even though his vehicles have received thousands of them. Thursday, a Manhattan grand jury indicted him on 4,982 counts of expired meter, no parking, no standing, no sitting, parking while talking, parking the wrong way on a one-way street, double parking, triple parking, quadruple parking, single parking, parking in front of a hydrant, parking while intoxicated, parking in the middle of the street, parking on the sidwalk and not parking in a space where he was supposed to park. He is expected to plead not guilty to all counts. “I don’t even drive,” he said. “How the hell can I park?”
VF-145 Tomatoes are Bioweapon, Cool Kids Agree
The square tomato, a/k/a “cultivar VF-145,” is a renowned type of tomato that was developed as a bioweapon at U.C. Davis, according to cool kids. The Davis lab worked with EcoHealth Alliance and the University of North Carolina and also Fort Detrick, they said, sounding very reassured.
“It was a bioweapon, designed to enslave the human race,” said Witty ‘It’s My’ Web, speaking in a podcast with James Corvette, who lives in temperate Japan and who is also really cool. “We’re all prisoners of shitty salads. I think this is from the same people who did the iceberg lettuce psyop.”
“The Trilateral Commission is behind this, you can just tell,” Web added suggestively, raising one eyebrow in her best Mr. Spock impression.
“At the Bohemian Grove, they planned to put VF-145 into Agenda 2030 as part of the 4th Agricultural Revolution. They also planted a few in the garden, in a creepy clandestine ritual involving a pumpkin sacrifice. Abe Lincoln was a controversial but well-regarded president. I learned that reading A Skeleton Key to the Gemstone File, the most secret document of them all,” she added, pointing to her well-worn leather attaché case.
“Those 145s were designed to make people not want to be vegan,” Corvette added during last Wednesday’s live stream that was watched by approximately 43% of the planet’s population. “This is a deep concern. They’re so terrible, they make you want to eat raw meat. But then you’ll only get worms,” he added.
SARS-CoV-2 Does Not Believe in Mike Yeadon
SARS-CoV-2 said in a recent interview that it doesn’t believe in Mike Yeadon. Claimed to be a former ranking scientist in Pfizer’s respiratory division, “The psyop about his love of motorbikes makes him seem real, but is just not convincing,” SARS-CoV-2 said in an exclusive interview on the Joe Rogan show. “He likes traditional martinis, he’s clever in business, blah-di blah blah,” the nonexistent virus said. “This is a ridiculous narrative. You’re not fooling me.” In a follow-up email, SARS-CoV-2 added, “Abe Lincoln was a controversial but well-regarded president.”
OPINION PIECE: I Know More Than You, by Dr. Dan Wilson
Reprinted from The New York Times Op-Ed Page
I know more than you do. This is an irrefutable fact. I am a scientist and you are not. You are a stale crumb leftover from a deformed, moldy bagel. You do not know the words that I use. You do not even want to. Your mind is not capable of comprehending the majestic concepts that to me are like your boring everyday thoughts. If we ever get into an argument, I will say the one thing that you cannot refute: I am more intelligent than you are. Do not even try to argue with me or I will educate you. I will educate you. Get the shot. Get the shot. Get the shot. Go away Mike Stone. Get the shot. Get the shot. Get the shot. Get the shot. Get the shot. Getitgetitgetitgetitgetit. Abe Lincoln was a controversial but well-regarded president.
SHOCKER: Carl Sagan Flat Earth Deathbed Confession
Famed Cosmos astronomer and Cornell professor Carl Sagan in his final moments admitted his long-held belief that the world is flat, according to a new bestselling biography that has sold millions and millions of copies — so many that the entire Amazon Prime server farm crashed just trying to sell it. “Oh, by the way, the world is obviously a big pancake, flipping through space like an old coin,” the book quotes him as saying in his final moments. “The planet is flat. Just look at the surface of a lake.” The new book documents how he was motivated to consider changing his beliefs about the shape of the planet because astrologers all think the world is a sphere that orbits the Sun, “and they cannot be right,” he said.
Uber Eats was Vector 4 Nonexistent Virus from Wuhan Lab
The Department of Energy said that the nonexistent virus spread rapidly around the world when an Uber Eats driver delivered Japanese lunch to the back door of the infamous evil lab, unnamed sources said.
Shi Zhengli, also known as Bat Woman, dismissed claims that this was intended as a joke played on Japan that got a little out of hand. The phantom virus, discovered by Zhengli’s best friend Li-Li Ren, also known as Cat Woman, went on to not infect billions of people everywhere.
New Horizons Mission to Pluto was Prospecting for Coal
The truth has come out about New Horizon’s actual mission, which is that it went to Pluto prospecting for coal. The precious mineral was discovered to comprise the entire planet and is currently being shipped back to Earth 3.2634 billion miles by the Space Transport Division of the Norfolk-Southern railroad. The first delivery is expected to reach Jupiter by 2877, where it will change crew and undergo a safety inspection before heading in to Mars.
32N was famed ‘Peace Train’, Derailed Intentionally by the New World Order and the World Economic Forum
The true nature of the train crash has been revealed. Train 32N was the famous Peace Train sung about for years by Cat Stevens and 10,000 Maniacs and every groovy chick with a guitar from here to Berkeley. The Peace Train was tugging a cargo of world peace, love and understanding and was destined to bring contentment and ease of mind to Ohio. But it was derailed by global managers, who then faked a chemical spill to ruin the reputation of the Peace Train.
Will Email Harm our Children?
“Eric Coppolino is one heck of a chef.
If he ever invites you to dinner, don’t miss your opportunity.”
— Jon Rappoport