BREAKING - Dr. Fauci to head National Institute of Particle Physics

America's doctor, Anthony Fauci, will become nation's top specialist in quantum mechanics, bringing his experience in public health management to the position.

Dr. Fauci will take over the National Institute for Particle Physics

Dr. Antony Fauci will be taking over the National Institute of Particle Physics (NIPP) on Jan. 1, after being named to this position by Pres. Biden last week.

He ends his decades-long term as head of the National Institute for Allergies and Infections Diseases (NIAID) on Dec. 31.

In this role, he will be the nation’s top particle physicist, and taking over at age 82, he will be the oldest person to be named to the position. His appointment was approved overwhelmingly by the Senate in a 99-3 vote earlier this week.

Though he lacks educational credentials and publishing credits in the highly competitive field of quantum mechanics, he said, “That’s never stopped me before,” speaking to reporters Tuesday at his first press conference.

“I’ve always said, if I could do it all over again, I would be a physicist. Well, now I get to, since 82 is the new 30.”

Quantum mechanics is a probability theory of existence. Fauci had a minus one to the 38th power chance of getting the job, and he prevailed.

Granted Emergency Degree from Stanford

Dr. Fauci was granted an emergency doctorate in physics by Stanford University three weeks ago, “So at least he would have a little something,” according to a spokesman for the university. He was also granted an honorary master’s degree in finance and a bachelor’s degree in liberal studies by Salsbury University in Maryland.

As a physician with the National Institutes of Health (NIH), Dr. Fauci has served the American public health sector in various capacities for more than fifty years and has acted as an advisor to every U.S. president since Gerald R. Ford. 

“I have told Pres. Biden that we have a very serious issue with neutrinos affecting public health,” he said, addressing reporters in his new capacity for the first time.

“The Earth is under heavy bombardment with neutrinos, which present an urgent health risk — especially to grandma,” he said, adding. “This is a real threat.”

Neutrinos are a subatomic particle that originated about one second after the Big Bang, and which have not been recognized as a posing a serious health risk until now. But Dr. Fauci said he is “certain” that they are killing millions of Americans.

“The cosmos is our enemy, and we must stop it,” he said authoritatively.

Fauci running the country on behalf of the president and vice president.

Beware of Muons

Long thought to have no mass and a neutral charge, neutrinos “are a greater threat than we ever realized,” he said. When he takes office, he said he would order all Americans into their homes and would be closing down businesses and schools to protect public health.

“This is how bad they are,” he said. “China is leading the way, and we have the endorsement of the World Economic Forum,” he added. “Nobody can go to the exercise gym after 10 pm. That is very dangerous.”

Also, all homeowners and landlords of rental units would be required to place a one-inch thick layer of lead and steel as a “mask” on the roof of their buildings to block them from entering. “This is very, very bad,” he said. “We have to stop them.”

When Americans leave their homes, they will be required to use an umbrella made of lead, steel and Kevlar barriers.

He said that a newly-discovered variant of the particle, the muon netutrino, is especially dangerous. “And remember, it does not discriminate, but they especially want grandma. They have been planning this for 10 billion years,” he added.

“You don’t want to get hit by one of these,” Fauci said, of the theorized tachyon particle, which moves faster than the speed of light.

‘Tachyons are Far Worse’

Fauci added that immediately upon taking office, he would also appoint a commission to investigate the tacyhon problem, with the creation of the International Blue Ribbon Tachyon Investigative Commission (IBRTIC).

This theorized particle is said to travel faster than the speed of light. They are known to cause the disease Tachy-22, which has no symptoms.

“This is very scary,” he said. “Think of it — a disease with no symptoms. How will you know you have it? We will tell you.”

He said that Moderna, Pfizer, Johnson and Disney would be joining forces to come out with the tachyon exposure home test, which should be available at Walmart within a few weeks. It will be guaranteed up to 50% accuracy.

If tacyhons infect a person, this could create a paradox where they could go back in time and kill their grandmother, and therefore not be born, experts say. This is known as the “grandmother paradox,” a temporal anomaly that under the General Theory of Relativity is extremely dangerous, because it can disrupt the flow of events into the present moment, and result in killing grandma.

“You don’t want this to happen,” he said. “Trust me. Einstein warned me about this when I met him as a boy. He said, ‘Son, you will need this information someday’. I know it’s against my Jesuit training, but I took advice from a Jewish guy.”

However, Dr. Fauci said he believed that tachyon technology would allow him to go back in time and take his new position at the age of 30. Members of the global elite celebrated his new role, saying they too would have access to time reversal technology.

Person on the left may have been exposed to tacyhons. Film sets must be especially careful about exposure, and will have red and green areas.

Tacyhon Vaccine Under Development

Dr. Fauci said that despite tachyons being a highly contagious theorized particle that has never been detected, there would be an mRNA vaccine available on the market within one year.

He said that the development project would be called Operation Faster Than the Speed of Light.

“The truth is, everyone should have had this vaccine 24 years ago, and with our new technology, we will go back in time and jab you then,” he said in an email message to reporters sent next Friday, which arrived today.

“In fact, this is a great opportunity for everyone to get caught up on their boosters. When was the last time you had a tetanus shot? You should have had it five years ago, and we can give it to you then.”

‘I’m a Little Confused Here’

“I am not sure what he’s getting at,” said Caltech senior distinguished professor of advanced physics, Dr. Martin Wortstein, breaking his silence on the neutrino issue.

“I’m a little confused here. Neutrinos pass through matter like it’s not there. You can’t block them with a lead umbrella, you can’t block them with the whole planet, and I don’t know why anyone would want to.”

“And I hate to break it to anyone, but tachyons have never been shown to exist,” Dr. Wortstein said. “Why are they developing a vaccine?”

Wortstein was immediately banned from Facebook and Twitter and had his YouTube channel taken down.

The Tachyon Defense League issued a stern rebuke to the plan to interfere with the precious, never-before-seen subatomic particle. “They are trying to strangle it in the cradle,” the organization said in a frantic statement.

Fauci has been in his current job, director of NIAID, since 1984 and has made contributions to HIV/AIDS research and other immunodeficiency diseases, both as a research scientist and as the head of NIAID. From 1983 to 2002, Fauci was one of the world's most frequently cited scientists across all scientific journals.

He made sure that 100,000 gay men were killed in the 1990s using his AZT drug protocol “so they wouldn’t infect anyone else, or make friends with your son.”

“We are here to protect you,” Fauci said at the close of his press conference. “That’s all we want to do.”