Human Rights Campaign declares blue stripe in rainbow flag now stands for heterosexual men

Breakthrough in inclusiveness applauded by equality activists, feminists, and political leaders as Pride Month's "June Surprise" is revealed. "It's about time," says ghost of Ruth Bader Ginsberg.

You can barely see it, but it’s there.

BREAKING NEWS — Signs of Progress After Years in the Closet

WASHINGTON, DC — The Human Rights Campaign (HRC) this week declared that the blue stripe in all versions of the Pride Flag now officially represents heterosexual men.

In a ceremony Friday afternoon on the National Mall, the Rainbow Flag was unfurled as straight men and all other forms of queerfolk let out a cheer that echoed from the Capitol Building to the White House to the far corners of the land.

“It’s been a long struggle for equality, but regular guys have finally made it to the mountaintop,” said Kelley Robinson, HRC’s president, who initially opposed the measure as being akin to demanding “white rights.” HRC is the leading gay advocacy group, founded in 1980.

However, at the suggestion of LGBT guru Rachel Maddow, Robinson walked back her assertion and told supporters, “That’s what the blue stripe has represented all along.”

“I had to get over my daddy issues to sign off on this,” said Sasha Glee, co-founder of Trans Aide Cyprus and editor in chief of the Trans Patrol Newsletter. “I realized I needed a little therapy for that to happen. I’m a better person for it.”

“A lot of former trans women are transitioning back to being straight men,” according to Joe Blogs of the DeTRANS project. “We must welcome them.”

Woman and Hulu star Shakina Nayfack

It’s Now Acceptable for a Man to Ask a Woman Out

Shakina Nayfack is a trans-activsit and Hulu star heroine of the millennial generation throughout the world. In an exclusive interview with Exclusive Interview magazine, she said, “We will set aside our plans for a law that would have defined hate speech as any cisgendered man asking any cisgendered woman on a date. Times have changed, and we must change with them. That’s called being progressive.”

Praise for the new dawning of equanimity came from all quarters, including the Boy Scouts of America, which will now offer a “Maleness” merit badge.

“For too long, straight men have been marginalized, and made to feel less than human,” said Jack Smith of HetAction. “We’re grateful to be granted recognition by the new order. We hope we can live up to their expectations.”

“But can you please stop calling us cis-men?” he pleaded. “We are men.”

“All the attention has gone to queer, queer, and more queer, because we’re so special,” said Lexie Matheson, a leading trans activist from New Zealand, which replaced Old Zealand several years ago.

In a tweet shared 403K times, she wrote —

“The definition of queer has grown more encompassing over time. Well, I have news for you. It’s now officially queer to be a heterosexual man. From this day forward, we accept that men who are into women are part of our movement, members of the human race entitled to a bathroom.”

Men Can Finally Feel Pride

Just in time for Father’s Day, the nation’s dads — most of whom are considered gender-non-conforming by choosing to have children and be sexual with women for reproductive and social purposes — can finally feel a measure of pride for who they are besides for doing something like carving the Thanksgiving turkey or lighting the barbecue without blowing up the house.

“There needs to be a time of healing,” said Hillary Henry of the Hudson Valley Femme Collective (HVFC). Boys are abused by women, “Particularly in the juvenile prison system and, I fear, in foster care. We must address this issue from all angles, sooner rather than later. We need a reckoning here.”

She ended her PBS appearance on a chipper note:

“If you’re a man and you show interest in women, and are attracted to women, it’s natural. You’re OK. Remind your sons of this. They need to hear it,” she added.

Not everyone touches the buttons this gently.

More Than a Sperm Donor or an ATM

“You’re not just a sperm donor or date rape survivor,” said Uber Ross, speaking hypothetically to all men on Gaia Network.

“You are an essential part of the biological and social fabric of reality. You are entitled to the occasional attention of women, as long as we can ignore you most of the time.”

Ross seemed sensitive to the plight of men, who for some reason many radical feminists think should support them financially. “Many women treat men like an ATM. We must do at least a little better,” she added.

But she urged men to be realistic about their situation. “If you’re a man who is into pussy, that’s just gay. Accept yourself for who you are, and you’re one of us.”

Many Women are Secretly Into Men

Correspondingly, it was recently revealed that a large number of women are secretly into men, according to a Wall St. Journal-Marist College survey.

Recent data suggests that at least 89% of women prefer men as partners, but more than half were reluctant to admit it openly, fearing that they would be discriminated against. So they have remained closeted.

And in another shocking statistic, the poll revealed that 99.98872% of all mothers have had sex with a man at least once, most of them several times.

However, 92% of women surveyed also said they prefer men for sex whether pregnancy is involved or not, according to the poll.

“Uh, yeah,” said Mollie Bennett, president of Feminists for Sex (FFS). “Even I feel like I need a support group for being attracted to men. Imagine how they must feel.”