Space News: DIY Moon Landing

We've had enough. It's time for an independent variable and a controlled experiment. We're finally going to settle the Moon landing debate.

Subaru 1 Spacecraft — it will look exactly like this.

Dear Planet Waves Science Fan:

If you’re anything like me, you’re sick of the whole debate over the Moon landing. It just goes on and on, stuffing your inbox and blowing up your phone all day and all night. And it is SO boring. How exactly can anyone stand it?’

They keep asking the same questions.

Are those things really Moon rocks? How can anyone tell? Did Neil Young really walk around up there? Is “Earthrise” a legit photo? How come Buzz Aldrin couldn’t remember whether it was sunny or cloudy? Is The Godfather based on a real person?

Wouldn’t those astronauts get toasted passing through the Van Halen belt? If it’s so deadly radioactive, then how come the average life expectancy of a lunar astronaut is 101? Does it preserve them like irradiating pepper? And so on.

Was he really there? Does anyone care? Was the whole thing just to get this photo for MTV? Plus, Buzz Aldrin is a communist. Photo by Neil Young.

We’ve Bloody Well Had It With All the Arguing

We know exactly how you feel. We’ve had it with all these propeller-hats telling us what to think for the past 55 years, causing arguments, analyzing footprints and scratchy videos, playing Richart Nixon records backwards, and imagining the whole Apollo mission was done on a sound stage like in that James Bond movie.

How many Thanksgiving dinners have been ruined when the argument got out of control? Who many cats hid under the couch till the next morning? Why is it that Steve Kirsch required psychiatric intervention?

Why can’t these people take a break from Zooming all the damned time?

Planet Waves has a plan to settle the controversy. We’re good that way.

Exploring the Planet and the Planets

You thought we were just being clever with the motto, “Exploring the Planet and the Planets.” Well, we were — but something else is true. We’re actually going to explore another planet. We’re going to the Moon, in person.

In fact we’re going on such short notice, we don’t have time to set up a GoFundMe. So instead, subscribe to this newsletter a few dozen times from your various Substack accounts. We need another 1,000 gallons of RP-1 pronto and I’m not selling a Bitcoin.

As my readers all know, traveling on the spur of the moment is my specialty. Since East Palestine popped, my gear is always packed and ready and by the door, batteries charged. The Planet Waves team will take pictures and write accurate articles you can trust, and we will end this stupid debate finally once and for fucking all.

Moon Rocks

The Whole Moon Rock Thing

But first, a question. You might think those nuggets are Moon rocks, but how the heck do you know where they’re from? They could be from anywhere.

Sure, they look like someone just gathered them up like mushrooms in the Sea of Tranquility. But admit it, bitch. You don’t have a clue. You probably want to light one on fire and smoke it.

Now here’s some real bullshit.

When I wrote my super famous article What If The Moon Landing Happened? in 2019, I asked a professional geologist guy at a fancy college how you could tell something was really a Moon rock, for shit sure. He said because a Moon rock is really dry on the inside compared to an Earth rock.

He must mean in the parts-per-zillion, because if you ask me, all rocks are dry on the inside.

Then yesterday I found an article saying that they were going to squeeze water from rocks up on the Moon and that’s how the astronauts will make spaghetti, brush their teeth, flush, etc. They want to get water from rocks. But the same rocks are dry? This is your typical Moon landing crap.

Our plan is to go to there, fetch a few of those nugs, bring them back, and try to juice them. The methodology will be squeezing one rock and leaving the other one alone. Then whatever happens, you’ll believe it’s true because we told you.

They were kidding.

The Onion Screwed Up the Story

People were really starting to question the Moon landing until The Onion put out this special historic edition. They said it happened.

They were only joking around, but everyone took it like real serious, like oh, this is a clue — The Onion is sending a signal from the Deep State which everyone will think means it was all actually a hoax. The article was a double reverse fakeout.

When we personally get to the Moon, we will know for sure whether it was a total joke or not. But now that The Onion has gone mainstream, and we are alt citizen science, they will probably blow off our press conference.

This is the indepedent variable.

If Man Walked on Fucking Moon, We‘ll Find Exact Fucking Footprint.

It’s still supposed to be there because there’s no wind, etc.

The problem with the claim of a Moon mission is that they don’t have an independent variable. Well, we do. If man walked on the Moon and made that footprint, it’s either there — or it’s not.

If it’s there, then the Moon landing happened.

If it’s not there, then the Moon landing did NOT happen.

It has to be one or the other. Simple.

You can speculate and debate and take mushrooms and communicate with extraterrestrial astral entities all you want. We will find the scientific truth.

FOIA Project Has Been Inconclusive

We have submitted several thousands of FOIA requests to any country, agency, department, institution or weirdo remotely connected to anything potentially related to the Moon. But all we get back are these sticky notes.

The alleged International Space Station

And Another Thing

Is this contraption real, or is it space junk? While we’re up there, we’ll have a look around for you and let you know.

Is this total bullshit or what?

We Will Recreate the Earthrise Photo to Prove or Disprove it

This photo has to be sus because it was taken from Apollo 8, which was before dudes tromped around up there, so there can’t really be footprints.

We will sort this; that’s what we do.

Also, our fans may be excited that we’re going to be able to potentially see the shape of the Earth from lunar distance, but don’t get all worked up just yet. Even if there is a circular shape, we could be looking at what is essentially a big dinner plate. Or not.

Anyway, the moral of the story is, if you want a job done right, get busy. We will be packing lots of Tang and the official office photo of Buzz Aldrin.

Our scientific advisor is Dr. Samuel Marcus of Tasmania. In an email message this morning, he said we were doing great and keep going, asking, “What could possibly go wrong?”

Updates via Substack and Friendster!

Stay tuned.

With love,

— The Planet Waves Astronauts